Turning 30

Turning 30 was difficult for me. More the aniticpation of turning 30 than actually turning 30; that came and went like any other day.
As I came up on my birthday, regrets swirled in my head. Regrets from all points of my life. I took some time to myself to refect on my life and wrote down every regret I could think of. As I looked over my page and half of "I wish I had's" I noticed some things.
* My life has been full of insecurities. I have feared what others think of me, how they will react to me, how they will treat me. So I set my actions accordingly.
* I did not LIVE! I lived in fear instead of really putting myself out there and living to the fullest I could live.

What made turning 30 hard for me, is that I am not who I imagined I would be at this point in my life. When I was young and imagined myself as an adult, I imagined a positive, cheerful, faith filled, generous, hospitable, selfless woman.
Someone pointed out to me that when we imagine ourselves in later years, we never picture our flaws or our problems. We see a perfect woman, with a perfect husband, in a nice big house, financially set, children who are also flawless...Very true, I didn't imagine my flaws or my problems. Yet even still, I know I am not in a place spiritually, emotionally, or relationally that I want to be. So now instead of writing down my regrets, I need to sit down and write my "I want to's" and work on them one at a time.