Fear

It dawned on me today that I live in fear of what COULD happen. We drove past a heavily bushed patch of road and I was looking out the window as if I might spot a dead body.(Don't worry, I'm giving myself a weird look.) I always do that! I probably watch WAY too much CSI. But it got me thinking...

* When I leave the kids I wonder if it will be the last time I see them.
* When I put them to bed I fear something might happen to them at night.
* I fear them being stolen from me.
* When Ryan is at work, sometimes I wonder if he will be killed in an explosion of some sort.
* I wonder if something will happen to our home or our treasured possesions.
* A friend had their car catch on fire and I got anxiety over what I would do if that happened to me and I had to get both my boys unbuckled from their car seats!

Wonder is almost too light a word, and fear is too strong. Its like it crosses my mind but doesn't linger long enough to let it worry me. Other times, like in the case of the car fire, I play out the whole scenario in my head, as if making a plan of some sort.

What really got me thinking was I that I live as if there is something bad around the corner. Not outwardly, I don't shelter my children from going out or have them sleep in my bed so nothing happens to them, but inwardly I am hesitant or somehow hold back.

I hold tightly to my family and I sense God asking me to let go. To put them in his hands. Only he has control over life and death. I want control over what happens to them, because I don't want anything bad to happen. But what control do I have? I want to trust God with the course of our lives. Afterall, he is the God who created the universe, he set the earth at just the right axis so that its not too cold and not to hot for life to grow. He's the God who created the depths of the ocean and the extraordinary moutains. He put together the miracle of life, that another intricate being would grow in my body. Why would he not take care of what he created, and what he says he loves dearly? He is the one who has control over life and death. Why would I not trust this God with the most precious of things. He cares more than I, and has much more control than I. My role as a mother is to do my best and trust God to fill in the gaps.